How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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