Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
