but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
