Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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