i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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