I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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