I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
