how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
