I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Let's get the cat blown out
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
