The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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