tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
