The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
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I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
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They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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