Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Randomize
