Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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