My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
