Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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