i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
