My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
