I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
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I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
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I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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