Your dad touched me again.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
im holly from the hills drunk
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
