how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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