$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Randomize
