she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
