That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Still dying that you shit outside
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
