i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
