just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
