I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
You can't motorboat a personality
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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