ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
