Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
