I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
