Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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