I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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