she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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