You're my little dorito
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
