The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
