I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
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