I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
