why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
