Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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