They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Randomize
