Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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