she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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