I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
All the doctor said was why
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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