Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
