even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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