So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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