my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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