I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Randomize
