Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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