Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
