i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
