Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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