I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He felt like a one man threesome
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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