made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
