How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
