$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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